Love story

I grew up in a society. An establishment. An insitution. A protocol.

I grew up respecting women. I grew up treating them as these godesses that have to be worshipped.

I grew up treating them more as humans with feelings than like objects.

Lord, show me the error of my ways and i shall repent and relive those days.

I dont have anyone to love.

I have had pain, suffering and dark ominous nights sitting with my guitar translating those dark emotions into notes.

For the first time, i am posting something that is like an essay about my life. I am exploring and trying to find form to the terror that has gripped me.
I lived insulated and numbed from this madness.

The loneliness is killing me.

I am a journalist. I am a publisher. I shape peoples minds. I have this huge position in society, this image to live into.
I love my work. I love the people i work with, the times i have seen, the struggles i have faced. The insanity that i have battled. The no-possibility i have slayed. The cynicism i have killed.

Flash back to me. Today.

I am a romantic. I want to get down on my knees. I want to shower her with flowers. I want to sing her songs. I want to pamper her till she cuddles up with me and goes to sleep. I want to wake up and find her in my arms and hold her till she opens her eyes. And gives me that look. I want to take her in my arms and tell her she is mine. I want to write songs about her. I want to write poems about her. I want to gaze into her eyes in the moonlight. I want to open her eyes and tell her how big she is. How awesome she is. And what a miracle she is.I want her to understand that she is the most beautiful thing on the planet. I want to look into her eyes for the rest of my life.

I want to scream her name at the top of my voice. I want to declare to the world that she is mine. I want to introduce her to my world. I want to stop drinking if she wants me to. I want to stop smoking if she wants me to. I dont want to let her go.

I dont.

Flash back to reality. I dont have her. I dont think i will ever find her. All i will find is pain, pain and unfulfilled dreams.

Till then, i will keep drinking. I will smoke cigarette after cigarette till my lungs give up. I will hate the younger generation. I hate them, as i was one among them and i gave away my age and my freedom. I squandered it away stupidly and shittily.

Where can i find her? How hard is it? Why is she killing me like this?


I know you are there. I know that i can find you tomorrow. I know that i dont need to find you. I can create you. You are here. Right under my nose.
I dont know. Maybe you are, maybe you are not. I cant tell.

I dont know what im saying.

Everyone i see has had the time of his life. Has either found the one, or explored enough to realise that she wasnt the one. Dammit, i should have treated them as objects. Its as simple as a-b-c then!Im too old now that i have realised it.

I squandered away 15 opportunities.Im sorry. I could have given you the time of your lives. The best and most passionate of them all decided to waste his life. Im sorry, please forgive me.