Today I had the opportunity to revisit something.

(background first) I have this friend. Shes absolutely awesome. Great fun to be with, supreme intelligence levels, conversation and a whole lot of blah that I wont go into bcoz this aint no testimonial.
When I wished her for her bday, I asked her - 'So whats up for this year?'.

Like a song that you might have listened once and hummed all day, this question stuck in my mind. Like the beat of the bass drum, this question played back to me rhythmically all evening and night.

So what do I want to do this year? Whats up? Whats on? Where am I heading? Whats next for me?

Largely I am living the life of my choice. I always dreamt of doing this. I even look the way I always dreamt of as a kid. Everything is happening, everything is rocking.
I have challenges everyday.
Work challenges the shit out of me. Redbus depends on me to get their projected sales. 4 people's livelyhoods depend on me. Strange Brew's future depends on me.
Innovation has become the name of my game. I am paid to innovate. The world is watching me keenly and if I dont innovate in every aspect of the business world, my game is over. I fall back into the matrix.
Being a photographer is the scariest and most challenging thing ever. How can I lift up a camera and not produce a piece of art? Painters take hours, days and years to come up with one painting. I need to do that in a few milliseconds. How do I portray the person im shooting? What do I show, what dont I show, how do I compose the image, what can I add where that would make the image pop off the screen? And that too I have picked the toughest genre to specialize in. Portraiture.
I shit my load every weekend for about 5 hours. 2 hours before I head to rugby and 3 hours while im playing. Inspite of being cautioned by the whole world and watching brutal mauling happen in front of my eyes - I play. Im training and I WILL make it to the team this year. And this is considering me - a person who didnt walk for 3 years of his life and shunned all sporting activity for most of his existence.
I have such wonderful friends. Such a brilliant family. Some relationships just cannot be valued. I mean valuated. (sorry - business speak Haha!) In other words - priceless.
The joy on my dads face when I gifted him a citizen watch from my first paycheck was priceless. My mom's too when I gifted her a versace perfume. It would take me all my life and more to pay them back for everything they have given me.

All said and done, My life rocks so intensely that my nuts are falling off.

So whats next? Fuck, what a hard, impossible question.

I just made a small mental list of the things ive dreamt of doing. It has become pretty clear to me now that my life is about following and accomplishing every childhood dream of mine. And hell, ill do that!

1. Harvard business school - I dont know why, but this has remained a dream! Its not about the placements or the teaching - I know what they teach at b-school and thru startup experience its not something i need to learn, i pretty much know most of it. If i dont know something, Ill just hire someone out to do it! I dont need the placements, I can do any job without HBS.
But I dont know why. I just want to go there. I want to network. I want to study with a guy who spent years rehabilitating poor families in Libya. Or Sudan. I want to sit and study with a guy who worked as an investment banker, a writer, a poet, a lawyer etc. I just want to be with such a diverse set of super smart people and that will redefine my every paradigm. And this will be the team that I can rally together to do my dirty work - make a difference.
Ah, and good conversation! I just NEED to be in a place where the conversation is like reading a dictionary in reverse. Or other cryptic shit like that!

2. I want to make a difference. Dammit, im guilty. I started an NGO called Paradigm Shift. We did a sexy pilot project and then I distributed certificates to the kids, then got too caught up in work and forgot all about it.
I want to TRANSMORPH. I want to give life to the inanimate.
I want to fuckin kill those damn villagers who think they are not smart enough compared to us cityfolk. I want to tell these bastards that they have as much smarts as anyone on the planet, and that they better damn well start thinking.
I want to give them money. I want to help them start their businesses. I want the villagers to rally together and throw Kishore Biyani, Mittal/walmart, and the Ambanis out of the retail business. I want these fuckers to profit. And profit BIG. I want the rural ecosystem to grow and match up to India's economic growth.
And I want to shoot anyone who thinks he is not good enough.

3. Education - I hate the damn education system. Why does it have to be that the smartest thinkers and mavens in their respective fields that come out of this country are the rebels, problem children, and supposed delinquents. Why cant free thought, individuality and self expression be available to everyone in India? Why cant we let every single kid think for himself? Write his own answers based on his thoughts. Design his learning? Walk his path?
How dare a teacher decide the future of a kid by telling him that he is not good enough? How the fuck can marks be indicative of a child's mental ability?
When I formulate my strategy, India is going to hate me. But 200 years down the line, when people can think freely, my purpose will be achieved.
This is something I will give my life for.

4. Portraiture. Travel.
Nikhil Velpanur. And his camera. All over. Capturing life, love, rain, strangers, faces, places, sunsets, emotion.
I henceforth dedicate my life to perfecting the art of Portraiture. To shoot that perfect portrait. To encapsulate a lifetime of stories in that one image. To be the voice of the subject. To reinforce the age-old cliche - a picture is worth a thousand words.

5. Love. Sigh. Where is she?
Honestly, ive become quite asexual.
Where are you? I still have many more songs to write for you. And a shitload of love to give.

6. Write. I am going to die writing a book.
When I am ready for my final act, words will flow from everywhere. And I will write.
And do the one thing that I was born to do. Write.

An affirmation

Am I whats right with the world?
Or am I whats wrong with the world?

I go to the temple everyday.
I pray everyday.
I mostly eat at home.
I spend lots of time with my grandmom.
I unfailingly deliver, mostly on time.
I respect women. Maybe a little too much, but nonetheless.
I maintain abnormal amounts of personal integrity - I dont lie. I dont cheat. Hell, I dont even copy in exams.
Brokering peace is my idea of a successful fight.
I am considered highly creative and have been picked up for plum postings just because of that.
I am always the last man standing.
A challenge is impossible to let go. I chase activities that appear impossible challenges.
I cant sleep without my daily fix of information. I must learn something new everyday.
Hell or high water cant stop me from getting what I want. If I want anything on planet earth, all i have to do is want it. And nothing can possibly come in my way.
I have a great weakness - empathy. It is mostly unnecessary and ends up hurting me.
I have clarity of thought.
I listen to people. Like, actually listen. And get them fully. As opposed to hearing people and have mind conversations about what they are saying.
I am deeply committed to altering the world.
Education is a space I will give my life to transform.
I have a strong attachment to all things spiritual.
I am a hardcore romantic. I write songs, do the flower routines, and all that is considered romantic.
Id rather connect with her than get into her pants right away. Sex, is after all, cerebral for me.
I feel. Deeply. Powerfully.



I havent been able to pass engineering. I have written 2 subjects 4 times, and havent been able to write enough to pass it. And if I pass, I complete engineering.
I am a failure in my dad's eyes. Because I havent been able to complete my degree.
I still havent been able to pay off my dad for the loans that I took from him.
I am out of shape. Ugly. Have wasted whatever looks I have.
I am a social misfit. I mostly cant fit in.
I have extremely low tolerance levels for irresponsibility and stupidity.
My fitness is terrible. Bad health and low immunity.
I havent been able to make a relationship with a woman work. Havent been a clearing for the right woman to show up.

Am I everything that is right with the world or everything that is wrong with the world?

Am I a deadhead? Am I a tripper? Am I a stoner?

Hell no!

Then why does the Grateful Dead do what it does to me?

As a little kid of barely 18, I was a regular of Bangalore's most beautiful, rustic establishments - Pecos. I remember all those Saturday nights, where nothing mattered but just getting your 1 sq foot to stand around with your beer. And meeting the 'regulars'.

As one walks into Pecos, a bearded old man's caricature and posters adorn the walls. His name is Jerry Garcia.

And that sound. The music. The din. The whole tapes that Elango would play instead of single requests by musically ignorant idiots.

And the Grateful Dead.
Pecos is probably the ONLY place in Bangalore that will play the Dead on a daily basis.

Jerry Garcia is the reason I have a beard. And I dont think ill ever take my beard off.

And Pecos is the reason I discovered the sound of the Grateful Dead.
Thank you for enriching my life.

A perfect memory

Its a song that I wrote about a wonderful woman that I met. Im glad I spent a very short time with her, cuz if I had spent any more time, it would have been hard to leave her behind.

Its called a Perfect Memory. I shall actually create the song, sing it and upload the mp3 someday, when I feel like. Not anytime soon tho. I have too many things to do now. And more importantly, i need inspiration!!

A beautiful meeting between perfect strangers,
Felt like a divine sleight of hand,
No purpose, no agenda,
Just an unknown mysterious reason.

Thinking about it afterwards,
Completely weird, but somehow compelling,
The memory doesn't seem to leave me easily,
Almost like a piece that i must have now.

I never thought too much of you,
Stereotyped you into a type,
But the more you let your light shine through,
I was blinded and humbled.

I apologize for the facade that i put up,
All i wanted to do was know you better,
I guess i lost out that day,
I wish i could have a piece of that memory.

Never expected you to be so wonderful,
Never expected me to actually take a liking,
But hey - i wish i could have another piece of that time,
Bring it from memory into reality.

A million times i wanted to reach out,
And get to know you better,
But maybe you were just consigned,
To being a perfect memory.

I invented a new word! Im totally kicked - maybe I can add it to my resume or something! Hahahaha!


Brogging

The highly (un)interesting act of bragging about oneself while blogging. Usually done by narcissistic pissholes whose blogs never ever get read anyways.

Dude, I wanna burn and roast these mofos who are brogging all the time. Like who cares - the very fact that they have to spend their time typing out how cool they are shows how much of a negative social life they have!


Anyways I blog today to say something of significance. That, of course, is very rare coming from me! Otherwise it is a bunch of random stuff! About why i felt this, and me not knowing why i felt that and shit!

I read a beautiful article today. Here you go, its about Casteism and the much-hyped reservations issue.

Made me do a double take and an about turn on the whole issue. Not that I was too passionate about going against the reservation deal, because I always knew the media was full of bullshit.

I feel like Im going crazy right now. I need someone to talk to!

Like a shrink! The kind of shrink that I am looking for is someone with significant silicon valley experience, and has amassed a great deal of knowledge having started and funded new-age startups. Someone who understands the genesis of web 2.0, and atleast understands the implications of the emerging social media scene and web 3.0! Please please!! I need to speak to you, right now! I need to unburden this load on my head!

I have 2 ideas ready for patenting. I have 7 web2.0 ideas, 5 web3.0 ideas and i need to get them off my chest! Atleast hear me out and give me your opinion! Will you find me and be my shrink? Just find me, i dont care if you fund me!

I am blessed.

Thank you god for being so generous with me!

Thank you for giving me Abhi, Bharath, Rahul, Gautam, Karthik and Akhil to me.

I consider it a gift to have known and be associated with these extraordinary people.

I dont know why im saying all this, but I do know how im feeling what im feeling right now.

I picked up a back issue of Strange Brew today. And I read it like I have never read it before.
It took me back to a space in time where life was well....worth every moment!

Abhi is truly truly my godfather. He is the blessing of my life.
He was working in Intel making pots of money when I approached him with the idea of Strange Brew. All I asked him was 'maga - Do you want to be stuck in a cubicle for the rest of your life, or do you want to get out there and live a life of fuckin adventure?'. It took him approximately a few seconds to decide.
He quit his job and the rest is history. Together we wrote, designed, and did everything it took to build and churn out the vision that Strange Brew was(and still is!)

Thank you guys for trusting me and being a part of my life. I know none of you read this, or no one connected to you reads this shit blog, but then im offering this as a token of my gratitude. You have trusted me and given me a part of your life. Because that is what it took for us to build Strange Brew. We did it, together. My idea and vision would have DIED if not for you guys.

I love you and I will give you guys my life.

As of now, I am going to make some money. A lot of money actually.

And one fine day, we are going to get back together. As a team.
And I will fund it with an unlimited fund.
And we are going to recreate the magic by starting another magazine. Not for the money, not for the fame. But just for the sheer fuckin pleasure of reliving this awesome experience that we had. And working 20 hours a day doing ALL the jobs ourselves!
Let us, as a team, write, design, print, market, and get on the streets to sell this magazine.

I miss that rush, and I miss working with you guys.

Rock 'n' Roll Baiby!!

Its been 3 days since i stepped out of my office.

I have no social life. Nobody cares either ways.

Same horrible water-heater flavored tea 20 times a day. Same cigarette.

SAME effing songs on my playlist. Same headphones. Same sing-along attempts.

Same softwares. Same websites. Same lazy colleagues.

Same complaints. Same frustrations. Same excuses. Same cliches.

Same people on calls and msgs on my phone.

Same chair. Same position that ive been sitting in for 3 days. Same routine.

Same biscuit has been sitting on my table for 3 days. Atleast im smarter than to eat that.

Nothing works at work either. Im at a dead end.

Im sick, sick, sick of this shit.

I listen to 'Summer Madness' by Kool and the gang. And it takes me there.

It takes me to a road next to the beach. Where everythings slow, nice and easy.

Im driving my open top convertible. The top's open, the wind is in my hair, 'Summer Madness' is playing.

Its 11pm and there are other jerks like me on the road. Everyone's heading to some party or the other. Smiles all around, no one looks like they are in a hurry to get someplace or become someone.

The sea breeze wafts thru my hair like the wind in the willows(haha!). The weather is balmy.

I know that im heading to the best party in town. Awesome people and drinks will be all around. The pace of the party will be slow. It is on the beach after all.

The drive there is, i dont know why, the best thing that ever happened to me.